


Healing Process

by Avytan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Closure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Heartbreak, I'm Sorry, It hurt me more than it will you xD, M/M, Oneshot, Pining Erwin, Post-Break Up, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:42:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27195985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avytan/pseuds/Avytan
Summary: Everyone needs to heal after a broken heart. Erwin demonstrated the process. <3
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Healing Process

You know what? Men have feelings too. Men cry. Men suffer. Men get depressed. Men - believe it or not - also build walls around that wrenching organ pounding in their chest.

The world may not see it because society _expects_ men to be strong, and if they do shed a single tear then they are automatically considered weak. These cases usually apply to those types of men who have the look of strength and “masculinity”; they keep their expressions as stern as possible so everyone knows they have power within themselves, when they are also struggling just like anyone else.

Just like Erwin Smith, but in his case at the moment as he lay in bed after an hour his alarm clock went off, this whole ordeal was out of his league.

Yes, he may have the attitude of a confident leader and the appearance of a stuck up individual that shoves everyone around, but when that special person sparks his eye - someone who whips him in place - he becomes a pile of mush.

Because even men like Erwin Smith can fall in love, and make a fool out of themselves.

But after mistakes happen and men like Erwin lose that special person, a lover who had the ability to make their world brighter - the reason to be happy when they wake up in the morning- men also have the ability to break into millions of pieces.

“I don’t want to get up,” he whispered to himself, pulling an arm over his face to block the sun rays peeking through his curtain. Erwin woke up groggily, his eyes as sore and red as they were last night after crying out his separation from that special person, a major loss to his heart. He didn’t want to get out of bed; he just wanted to stare at the ceiling and tangle in his sheets.

And that’s okay.

He is allowed to stay in that Reminiscing state for as long as he needs to be. He just wanted to be alone, away from people, ignoring the many phone calls he got from his best friend Mike. He had no desire to go out - not even the urge to enjoy any of his favorite hobbies without being forced to. Even if he tried stepping out of his home, he would turn back around after seeing _him_ everywhere he went. Levi was tattooed into his heart way too deep.

He looked to the bus stop, and in his mind there Levi stood with a hand in his pocket and foot tapping to the beat of whatever was playing in his ears. He looked towards the coffee shop and there he was again, sitting back on a chair with an ankle over his knee and his favorite drink in one hand while his other scrolled through his phone probably trying to track his Amazon package. Because Levi loved online shopping and would be engrossed in trying to find deals.

_Damn, how much Erwin hated that._

But he loved Levi’s company, his sass, his crude jokes and criticising him over cleanliness or the many stories Levi would tell him about school or work drama. Sure, they were long and uninteresting sometimes, but Erwin listened attentively (before he could tease him, of course).

Bottom line is…

“I miss him.” And that he did, as much as Erwin hated to admit. Hell, just thinking of Levi’s image glowing bright behind his shut eyelids caused a tear to roll down his cheek.

He missed the way Levi would reach out a hand and squeezed Erwin’s hand whenever they ran into a crowd of people. Seeing Levi smile as Erwin guided them both through the crowds made him feel proud, boosting up his ego to know Levi relied on him for safety because of his social anxiety. The cling that came along with that never got old, always keeping a hand around his waist whenever Levi got a bit antsy, and always making him feel safe. 

Erwin missed the way Levi would lean against his chest whenever strong arms wrapped around him from behind and squeezing his heart when Levi would turn around and kiss him, hands caressing and threading through his blonde hair like Erwin loved. 

He missed sneaking up on Levi as he cooked them dinner and hearing those rare giggles whenever Erwin’s lips brushed along the nape of his neck, creating a landscape of goose bumps on the raven’s shivering skin. Usually this would irk Levi, lecturing the blonde man that he could have burnt him, but always ended up with them holding each other in silence in front of the stove. 

He missed how vulnerable Levi looked when they made love and how he shamelessly moaned Erwin’s name when he was brought to his limits. The cuddles and kisses in their afterglow was heaven, especially when Levi whispered how much he loved him in his embrace. They were genuine and sincere enough to bring tears in Erwin’s eyes, sure as hell made him happy, _always_.

Some people think this is just missing the routine or the feel of a warm touch… But to Erwin, losing Levi was simply a loss in his life.

_“Fuck you, Erwin!”_

Erwin chuckled at the sound of his echoing voice and rolled on his right side. Erwin even missed the way he’d scrunch his nose at him whenever they did get into an argument. While Levi meant to sound angry, Erwin found him helplessly cute and would usually shut him up with a kiss - Levi fighting him off at first before always giving into him - then whispered an apology as he pulled back and hugged him tight. After that it was a feast of make-up sex, always wild but heavily passionate.

Erwin was stuck in this state, until one morning he looked into the mirror and finally decided to make a change.

“Shit, I need a haircut,” he grumbled as he pulled the ends of his blonde hair. Sighing, he returned to his bedroom and got ready before the trip to the barber shop was ruined. Some fresh air wouldn’t hurt, he thought.

After stepping out of the barber shop, Erwin aimed to walk straight back home, when he coincidently ran into Hange. After some small talk, Erwin was surprised that he was okay for them to call up Mike and Nanaba to join, hang out and… just catch up. But he was more surprised that, at some point in the conversation, he managed to talk a bit about Levi, but this time with a clear head, without stutters or vicious reactions.

Just normal talk with trustworthy friends.

And while he was out wherever Mike or Hange would drag him along, Erwin would see cute girls or guys here and there, but nothing lured him in _._ There was no buckling in the knees; no gibberish coming out of his mouth. Erwin would look and compliment them in his head, but that’s it.

Simply no interest whatsoever like he did with _him._

But even though his urges to check up on Levi decreased, unlike at first when he’d always check up on him - staring at Levi from across the school campus, glancing at Levi as he walked past his classroom and even read old text messages Erwin kept in his phone - Erwin had a reason to think about him from time to time.

“I still miss him,” Erwin admitted to himself and leant back on his sofa. His hand would twitch as he held onto his phone, wanting to check up on Levi via social media - but quickly threw the temptation aside. His hands went to his head, digging his fingers through his hair as he grits his teeth.

_How long will this ridiculous grieving last for?_

Men need to heal, too. So the answer is: **As long as he needs to**.

 **ღ** **ღ** **ღ**

Many days passed. Those days turned into flying weeks until they built up into months, and Erwin was once again out in the world making a name for himself, succeeding in his studies and even being requested by multiple employment offers. He’d be the one calling up his friends for board games and drinking in his apartment or the first to be arranging plans for the weekends or holidays.

He was seen taking a stroll in the streets again, having lunch with friends, reading a book at the park under a shady tree like always, and even found himself smiling at someone he was interested in, though he was still rusty on the flirting so he never made a move. 

But what was impressive is that he even tried things he wouldn’t normally care for. For example: painting - he never imagined to pick up a paintbrush and fill up a canvas, but to Erwin’s surprise, he found out there was a hidden talent in the creativity department. 

One afternoon Erwin decided to clean up his room for the first time in weeks (and because his sub-conscious kept pestering him). And by doing this earned him many findings, like a lost pair of socks, a lost book he spent weeks searching because it needed to be returned to the library, and even found an odd shoebox under his bed. He grabbed it to throw out but paused when it was filled judging by how heavy it actually was.

“The hell?” Erwin lifted a brow, curious on the contents, until he decided to open it.

 _Bad idea._ “Shit…” he hissed under his breath and sat back against the wall. He’d forgotten he actually had something like this and only because of that guy.

In his hands was a box with stabbing memories of Levi, ranging from pictures, poems, jokes, notes that were passed to each other during class and letters Levi wrote to him while he traveled away on summer vacation. All those items, however, were the least that caused his eyes to linger at the box.

The first object that caught his eye was the first love letter Levi slipped into his locker three years ago. _Shit…shit_

Holding the heart-shaped love note between his thumb and forefinger, Erwin bit down on his lip. _Should I…?_ Oh he wanted to, yet his self-consciousness told him not to, lecturing him to just set it aside and duct tape it shut to never open it again!

But should he really? He has made so much progress since that day he broke apart.

His heartbeat slowly started to pick up its pace as his fingers clenched around the love note. What did it even say? He couldn’t remember, but he wanted to. He wanted to remember those feelings again…right?

“Levi…” Erwin murmured a bit shakily and lowered the hand holding the note so his free hand could pinch the bridge of his nose. There was a reason he kept that letter, and he was sure that if he read it then those crushing feelings would overwhelm him once again. He would have to start all over again and possibly shut down everything he’s worked hard up until now.

“I…” he began, keeping his hand over his mouth - then clenched his teeth. “Stubborn little shit!”

Erwin loved Levi dearly, is what that meant.

Erwin almost crumpled up the love letter, stopping the action with a sigh then decided to just throw it back into the box and shut the flaps. He looked out the window towards the trash can, reminding himself to throw that box away when he leaves to catch a movie with the gang.

**> >> 1 year later >>>**

Erwin panted as he reached the bus stop and checked the schedules, his finger underlining his bus route to school.

“Dammit!” he cursed, causing a lone nearby guy to slightly look over his shoulder.

“You alright?” he asked, not looking all the way. Being the only person around, Erwin cleared his throat, straightening himself before answering.

“Yeah, sorry. Just pissed I might’ve missed my route , as I’ve had one hell of day...”

“Which is it?”

“111.”

“Heh, you’re in luck.” The man began to turn around, a subtle smile gracing his lips. “That route is delayed by three minutes… Hey!”

Erwin looked at him this time when he stepped closer, only to tense up when he caught that gorgeous silver in his eyes. “Hey... Levi?”

“What a small world, Erwin,” Levi said gently, adjusting the strap on his shoulder. “Where are you heading off to?”

“Ah…” he trailed off as the knot in his throat struggled to swallow. “To school.”

“Cool, you still collecting comic books?” he asked with the brightest grin that earned Erwin’s loving gaze. Levi always looked so beautiful with that smile, just as much as his usual stoic self.

“Yeah, I am.” He managed to smile and Levi chuckled. 

“I’m glad, you always had great taste in literature. You know there is a new release on your favorite comic?”

“I...did not know,” Erwin said with a hint of excitement because he had forgotten about those series since they were together. Because Levi was the one who introduced him to them. “I will definitely check it out once I get into town.”

Their conversation carried on like normal and as they were warming up to keep up their catch-up session by preparing another question, it was cut short when a bus pulled up on the curve.

Levi turned around briefly and groaned as he looked back at Erwin. “This is me. It was great seeing you, Erwin,” he said gladly, gracing him another beautiful smile. “Also, I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

 _I’m more than okay now._ Erwin nodded. “A pleasure to see you too, Levi.”

 _I’m glad you’re happy._

Suddenly, there was this soothing comfort roaming within him; the walls he had built were ripping off one by one and a river of relief poured free. Closure, that’s what he’s always needed in order to move on. Erwin needed that caress to his heart, and seeing Levi smile so bright hit the spot.

Because men like Erwin Smith also need to **Renew**.

Levi let out another chuckle with a slight blush across his cheeks this time - he was just as shy as Erwin was feeling to see him again - and brought up a hand to wave at Erwin as he walked forward. “See ya… Erwin.”

The moments spent with him were special. Levi was special to Erwin.

“Take care,” Erwin replied, returning a wave of hand as Levi stepped onto the bus, smiling because his heart was free and comforted.

_And he will always be special._

♥


End file.
